


ps, don't read me

by obeisancess



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Heartbreak, Letters, M/M, Matsukawa POV, One-Sided Attraction, Pining, matsuoi, oimatsu
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-20
Updated: 2019-04-20
Packaged: 2020-01-20 20:36:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18532684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/obeisancess/pseuds/obeisancess
Summary: Matsukawa has to move on from Oikawa Tooru and all that he is.in which, matsukawa writes letters to oikawa to try to get over heartbreak.





	ps, don't read me

**Author's Note:**

> hey, this was mostly an indulgent fic between a friend and i - some background context, oikawa and mattsun were fooling around for some time, they had feelings but didn't have a relationship and in that time, oikawa ended up falling for someone else. mattsun is both in love with stars and photography so... enjoy? 
> 
> yes, the fic is supposed to be without capital letters.

to: oikawa tooru. 

i doubt you’d ever read this letter. i doubt this letter would ever even see the light of day once i seal it into its envelope, chuck it somewhere and forget all about it. and maybe one day, once this is all over and done with, maybe i’ll open this and read it again and reminisce. i love you, oikawa, when all of the universe has given me enough reason to stop, enough reason to get away from it. but - i’ve said this before, you’re like a star. you’re gravitating, and bright, and stunning. 

and you’re completely and utterly out of my league. 

i should have realized this earlier. i should have. but i clung onto it. i clung onto every reassurance you gave me, i clung onto this terribly, fucking stupid thing called hope. i hoped that some day, all of this would make sense. i hoped that one day, you’d give me the answers i’d want to hear. 

but no good things come for good people. 

and one day, i’ll look back onto this. life wouldn’t be the same. for both of us - life already isn’t the same. you’re happy - so happy. happier than you’ve ever been. happier than you’ve ever been with me. i’m happy for you. all i ever wanted was to make you happy. but i guess that never worked out since all we did was fight and make up and fight again. 

i want him to treat you right, because you deserve to be treated right. i want him to cherish you, because you’re precious, unique, an absolute dream. you’re the heat-haze dream that i wish would’ve stayed with me forever. all the promises we made now dissolves to nothing, cement sanded down to dust eventually blown away by the wind. 

it hurts. 

it hurts being around you now, it hurts seeing you - knowing i failed doing all of that for you, it hurts knowing that at the end of the day, i was never wrong about what i said about him in the first place. 

it’s funny because you’ll never know why i left, or where i went, but in this letter, written specifically to you and you alone, i’ve told you what you might end up wanting to know. 

it’s obvious why i left. there’s no feeling quite like heartbreak. it’s not like grief, like losing someone you love to an unstoppable force that ends life as we know it. it’s not like helplessness, where nothing can possibly save you from yourself. it’s bitter, a bad taste in your mouth, the rusty taste of blood on your tongue when you bite down on your lip too hard. but it’s sweet. it’s sweet-filled memories that remind me of you everywhere. 

i cherish you, oikawa, and everything you’ve given me. and now, all those everythings are handed over to motoki. and i have nowhere to turn to. and i’m fleeing. i was never very good with emotions or dealing with them. never very good and stopping them from filling me up and suffocating me. so i’m going, far away, where you’ll never think of looking, where i’ll be safe from these memories. 

and i don’t really have a definite plan in mind, i’ll just end up going everywhere at this rate. but if that’s what it takes to get you off my mind, i’d do it in a heartbeat. 

i’ll miss you. 

i would sign this letter off with an ‘i’ll always love you’. but that’s not a privilege i get to keep - i love you. i still do. but i can’t keep clinging. maybe one day, i’ll come back, better, freed from your gravity - the friend you wanted. and even then, you would’ve changed. 

one day soon, to you, oikawa. 

***

to: oikawa tooru

two months. that’s how long it’s been since i fled. i use the word fled because it seems more like what i actually did. running away - it’s pathetic to admit it but i did that. i ran away from japan, from my family, and more importantly, i ran away from you. at first, i tried staying in japan. but we’ve been to the far norths and far souths of that country together and again, that hurts. 

i can’t seem to do most simple things without being constantly reminded of your presence - it seems carved right into me, your name scratched over and over into my bone and veins. i wish it didn’t end the way it did. but it seems like i’ve been doing too much wishful thinking these days. 

i don’t even really know why i’m writing… another letter. 

i saw you left messages for me. it’s odd leaving them unread. leaving them unanswered. it’s odd, trying my best to wipe your very existence from my mind when at one point, i was so sure that you occupied every thought and every good memory. this letter stays with me but i hope you receive the meanings. forget about me, oikawa. you’ve made your decisions, i’ve made mine. i cannot give you anymore than what i already have - and if what i’ve given you is nothing but hurt, i’m sorry. 

there it is again, though, isn’t it? apologies. 

i can’t ever seem to stop saying sorry to you. there’s a hundred and one things that’s wrong and i blame myself for it. and maybe, in another lifetime, in another place, i would’ve been strong enough to stay by your side. and maybe in another lifetime, in another place, it would’ve been me at your side instead of him. 

i’m sure motoki’s told you that i’m gone. the only things i’ve left behind are all the star charts and scopes and equipment i can’t bring myself to touch anymore. and all those pictures of us. i wonder if i’ll come back for them one day. 

one day. 

it’s a far-reaching thought now. a future i can’t seem to imagine. i can’t seem to think about. i can only think of pasts and presents. nothing of the future, because too much of my thoughts of the future was one i painted with you in it. 

everything seems a little more draggy now. some cycle that i’m bound to repeat until i find a way out. freelance jobs, simple connections - working takes my mind off things a bit. i was hired for wedding photography a couple weeks ago. i don’t think i’m going to do that again - though i remember the faces of the bride and groom rather vividly. like my own brain is mocking me. 

i want to open those messages you sent. but not now. here i am again, putting them on a one day. everything’s more uncertain for me now. i’ll give you these, oikawa - letters. each one, with something for you in them. and maybe once i write enough letters, i’ll finally be freed from you. and maybe then, i can finally come home. 

home’s so abstract to me now. 

my father asked me to come home. i don’t think that’s possible for a while. my brother said my niece asks where i am - and he asked me the same. i guess i’m hurting more than just you in the end. ah, maybe i really am pathetic. 

i’m in korea today. this month. working with a tv company for some shots of the city - seoul. it’s beautiful. i wish i could show them to you. it’s not quite like tokyo, or any city i’ve actually seen, but i suppose that depends a lot on the cultures influencing the architecture and people here. 

i’ve mostly rambled - i don’t really know what i actually wanted to say in this letter. i’ll work on making my meaning a little clearer. haha. i miss you. i hope you’re happy. 

one day, oikawa. 

***

to: oikawa tooru 

i miss you. that’s all. i miss you terribly, so much it tears up my whole heart, and scratches through my lungs making it hard to breathe. it’s getting harder. how long am i going to keep doing this to myself? to you? will there be good that comes out of this? have i made a mistake? i fucked up, i fucked up, i fucked up, i fucked up, i 

you love him. 

you loved me. 

i’m sorry, oikawa. 

***

to: oikawa tooru

i’m in miyagi. my father hugged me tight - it was nice. i almost forgot how good being with family feels. 

it’s been a year. one long, terrible, shitty year. 

and i’m writing this letter as rehabilitation now. because i was stupid at work and i fucked up my hand trying to take a picture - i don’t even remember what of, but i did. you were always so worried of me falling off mountains and this time, i did. haha. i guessed i spent a lot more time thinking when i was in the hospital than i ever did in the past year. 

i’ll tell you. 

i stayed in korea a lot, i got comfortable, i built up a steady name for myself, i got good in korean. i actually made more money than i thought i was going to. but i guess, the problem in that was that i was trying too hard to forget about you. 

and when it all came crashing down, i fell hard. 

ironically, that describes a lot of things with you - falling in love, falling out of love, little moments with us. and now that all of that is done, i’ve finally come home. once i thought over it for too much, too hard, too long, i can finally look up to the stars. 

it doesn’t feel any better. 

but people have to hurt before they get better. 

i don’t know what i’m going to be doing next - maybe i’ll go back to college here in miyagi, maybe i’ll go back to korea, doing photography, maybe i’ll go see you. 

nah. doubt it’s the last one. 

i wonder how you’ve been. hanamaki says you ask about me. i haven’t really asked about you at all - because maybe knowing nothing is better sometimes. i get to put any assumption that i have onto you - the assumption that you’re happy, that you’re doing well. because if i thought too hard on it, i know you wouldn’t be at all. 

you’d be mad. you might even slam the door in my face if you see me again. haha. 

my fault, though. i’ll take the blame for it, for doing stupid shit. i can’t ever seem to get myself to do the right things when it matters most. and i spend the rest of my life paying the price, isn’t it? 

my hand hurts. i have to stop. 

maybe soon, oikawa. 

***

to: oikawa tooru 

today, in tokyo, i thought i saw you. no, i know i saw you. i’d recognize your oaken hair and your voice anywhere. i didn’t have the courage to call out to you, too scared that something would go wrong somewhere. that you’d hate me - though that’s understandable. that i’ve made you miserable - though you didn’t seem that much of it. that you’ve forgotten me. i guess that’s the worse thought yet. 

i moved back to tokyo recently. how long has it been? 6 months since i moved back to miyagi? i dunno, i’m never good with time nowadays since i don’t really function on a fixed schedule. i never thought i’d see you here. i’m always reminded of the times you told me that you were going to leave. but here you are, still here, maybe in kanagawa, still around tokyo though. it was nice seeing you again. i doubt you saw me - you passed by an open window in a cafe i was sitting in.

it was something else, seeing you again. after all this time, realizing i’m still the same person who was in love with you after all that i’ve gone through to move on from that. 

do you ever stop loving a person? 

i stopped trying to forget about you, stopped trying to tell myself that you were beyond my reach anymore. now, i just let things happen as they are. so i suppose, seeing you today in shibuya was fate. maybe i was supposed to run out and stop you, but maybe the universe expected too much from me. 

i’ve been in interviews, applying to be a museum guide - kind of like how i always wanted. i do part-time photography, even for weddings now. it’s somehow calming, watching people achieve that level of happiness in their lives. 

i have a question though, one that hasn’t quite left my mind. 

that was my ring that was around your neck, though, wasn’t it? 

maybe i’m just getting too hopeful, oikawa. 

 

***

to: oikawa tooru

hanamaki told me that you and motoki broke up. i’m selfish so, congratulations. haha. 

knowing you though, you’d be upset, sad, missing him, probably; you were together two years - that’s enough for anyone to feel upset over. i’m sorry - i don’t know why you broke up, or how to comfort you when i’m so far away from you. 

i’m just out of reach at the end of the day. 

did he make you happy? did he cherish you like i hoped he did? you deserve nothing less, oikawa.

i work at tenq space museum. it’s at the tokyo dome, and it’s… it’s nice. it’s really nice. i told you about how i disliked kids, but i dunno, in the museum, i work with them, teaching them, showing them cool stuff, telling them cooler things. it’s nice to see them so interested. well, most of them anyway. there’s always something good that happens every day here. 

for some reason, people keep calling me to do wedding photography too. maybe i should start a company for that. haha. i know nothing about business so, that would go bust immediately. i’ve seen a fair amount of weddings now, in the past year. a couple months ago, it was two very beautiful brides. they seemed very happy.

it’s kind of strange too - girls would walk up to me at work, at weddings, along the street and ask for my number. hahaha. i don’t think i’m interested just yet. 

i’m happy now, oddly - still missing you, still in love with you, but… happy. 

that’s more than i could have asked for after all this. 

i hope you’re happy too, oikawa. 

***

to: oikawa tooru

it’s strange. out of all the places, out of all the possible ways i envisioned meeting you again, you coming to the museum was not something i thought would’ve happened. much less, during my shift, during my turn to guide the tours. 

how long has it been oikawa? two and a half years since i ran away from you. you seemed tired - i’m sorry. 

you were shocked to see me - and i was even more shocked to see you. i didn’t think you’d ever visit museums, much less a space museum on your own. i’m surprised you didn’t walk right out when you saw me. 

the most surprising thing of all? probably telling me to keep in touch. haha. i never imagined you’d tell me that. i thought you’d hate me after all i had done. somehow, today was a lot more relieving to me. like… everything i was worried about was fixed right before my eyes. like i had a restart button that was just waiting to be pressed. 

oikawa, you looked lonely. 

i can’t help but think you haven’t been very good to yourself. i doubt i can help much - but now, i want to be there for you again. this time, i won’t run away no matter what. i think i’m done running away for the rest of my life. i’m done with a lot of things i seemed to carry along with me that only weighed me down. 

i’ll face you head on this time.

and this time - i won’t let go. 

i love you, oikawa.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading, leave a kudos or a comment down below if you enjoyed it - you can come chat with me @obeisancess on tumblr and @delytubby on twt. owo)b


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